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Joe Thornton, Desperate To Fund Facial Hair Product Problem, Signs 1 Year Deal With Sharks


Jumbo Joe Thornton in an effort to stay fresh and keep pace with Brent Burns has gotten himself into some financial trouble spending millions on facial hair products.


"People think I just wake up in the morning and the beard looks this great," said Thornton from a barbers chair, "But it doesn't. It takes a lot of care and A LOT of products!"


Having squandered most of his career earnings on beard butter, Joe committed to his 22nd NHL season and 15th with the San Jose Sharks for one more year today at $2 Million Dollars.


Thornton needs 22 points to become the 14th player in NHL history to reach the 1,500 point mark.


Sharks GM Doug Wilson said, "We excited to have Joe and his leadership in the locker room and he told us he's equally as excited. I mean, he got in some trouble with the Just For Men Brush-In Stuff and would have had to get a job as a Mall Santa if we didn't give get this deal done and no one wants to see that happen to this NHL Legend."


TSN's Pierre Lebrun reports that there are no bonuses in his contract but the Hockey Talk Show has learned that there is a Dollar Shave Club clause, where the team can opt out if Joe's caught in said club that he is prohibited from.

"Once I started buying crazy overpriced products from Goop I knew I was in trouble," Thornton said during a phone press conference, "But I'm in a better place now... I'm excited to get this year started!"


We wish you all the best Joe... Go get em!



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